The idea that children are at a visit with birth family and once again, week after week, have to be pulled away, is heart breaking. So often, there is crying, fresh trauma, as they don't even understand why they are having to leave. What most people don't know is that most visitation in America is roughly an hour a week. The rest of that child's life is left under the care of the foster parents. Even when at school or daycare, "going home" becomes going to the foster family's home and the language changes the child's perception of self.
I'll never forget, after one of our first foster children had been with us for several months, we had been out running errands for a good part of the day and he asked, "Are we almost home"? It gave me pause as I realized that he was beginning to see a disconnect between what was his"old normal" and what was becoming his "new constant". It was in his waiting that he was conforming to whatever the next day would bring. It was in our waiting that we were indeed bonding with him.
It is the perfect storm of time, affection, care, and love. When a child is being offered care and nurture, and and the parent is providing it, if done right, love will grow. That is why the best foster families in the world have their hearts ripped out of their chest, because they have loved the child with all of their hearts. It is also why there is such a loss for the child when and if they are placed back into their parent's home as well. This is all clearly laid out in the permanency paperwork that arrived at our house every 6 months with the same question..."Is the foster child bonded with the foster family"? What a loaded question. So often, the answer is yes and that means that the child is forming deep relationship and trust with his "for now" family. It becomes a rock and a literal hard place for these kids.
So what does this mean? We become survivors for the children placed in our home because we not only take on the heartbreak of waiting out the parent's will, but we take on their heartbreak knowing that every phone call will mean that someone in their lives will disappear. One of the most common phrases I have heard is, "I am the only mother or father this child has ever known". What that phrase really means is that I am the only constant this child may have known. We realize this as adoptees get older and begin to search for their biological family. They may have not been "known" to them, yet there is still a soul longing for them.
However, herein lies the problem. When we remove children from their parent's and then only allow 0.50 of their week with their birth family, (Yes, do the math. That means that 99.5 percent of their time is with the foster family), HOW do we expect a child or especially an infant to be bonded or remain bonded with their first family? They don't and this is WHY, every six months, we are assessed to ensure, "Is the foster child bonded with the foster family".
The culture of foster care needs to change. How much more often would the prospect of a parent truly doing well present itself because they have preserved the relationship through the struggle of their child's removal and care?
I know every caseworker that I have had the pleasure of working with has always been pro-first family, until the very, very end, when it just becomes glaringly obvious that the child would not be safe in the environment. But the gladness I would hear in their voices when asked if we could increase contact either through simple phone calls, text messages, pictures, or in some cases, we had first families meet us publicly or even in our home. The bonding that took place when mom was able to give her child dinner several times a week, or bathe them and put them to sleep was some of the most precious times as a foster mother.
As with every avenue of child safety, we want the best outcome for all involved, but mostly the child. We always need to work harder to advocate for all of the family.
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