How do you Survive the Waiting of Foster Care? How it Affects all of the People Involved

Foster Care is nothing if not a HUGE waiting game. The looming problem in America is that in the waiting, something happens.....bonding.

The idea that children are at a visit with birth family and once again, week after week, have to be pulled away, is heart breaking.  So often, there is crying, fresh trauma, as they don't even understand why they are having to leave.  What most people don't know is that most visitation in America is roughly an hour a week.  The rest of that child's life is left under the care of the foster parents.  Even when at school or daycare, "going home" becomes going to the foster family's home and the language changes the child's perception of self.  

I'll never forget, after one of our first foster children had been with us for several months, we had been out running errands for a good part of the day and he asked,  "Are we almost home"?  It gave me pause as I realized that he was beginning to see a disconnect between what was his"old normal" and what was becoming his "new constant".  It was in his waiting that he was conforming to whatever the next day would bring.  It was in our waiting that we were indeed bonding with him. 

It is the perfect storm of time, affection, care, and love.  When a child is being offered care and nurture, and and the parent is providing it, if done right, love will grow.  That is why the best foster families in the world have their hearts ripped out of their chest, because they have loved the child with all of their hearts.  It is also why there is such a loss for the child when and if they are placed back into their parent's home as well.  This is all clearly laid out in the permanency paperwork that arrived at our house every 6 months with the same question..."Is the foster child bonded with the foster family"?  What a loaded question.  So often, the answer is yes and that means that the child is forming deep relationship and trust with his "for now" family.  It becomes a rock and a literal hard place for these kids.  

So what does this mean?  We become survivors for the children placed in our home because we not only take on the heartbreak of waiting out the parent's will, but we take on their heartbreak knowing that every phone call will mean that someone in their lives will disappear.  One of the most common phrases I have heard is, "I am the only mother or father this child has ever known".  What that phrase really means is that I am the only constant this child may have known.  We realize this as adoptees get older and begin to search for their biological family.  They may have not been "known" to them, yet there is still a soul longing for them. 

However, herein lies the problem.  When we remove children from their parent's and then only allow 0.50 of their week with their birth family, (Yes, do the math. That means that 99.5 percent of their time is with the foster family), HOW do we expect a child or especially an infant to be bonded or remain bonded with their first family?  They don't and this is WHY, every six months, we are assessed to ensure, "Is the foster child bonded with the foster family".   

The culture of foster care needs to change. How much more often would the prospect of a parent truly doing well present itself because they have preserved the relationship through the struggle of their child's removal and care?  

I know every caseworker that I have had the pleasure of working with has always been pro-first family, until the very, very end, when it just becomes glaringly obvious that the child would not be safe in the environment.  But the gladness I would hear in their voices when asked if we could increase contact either through simple phone calls, text messages, pictures, or in some cases, we had first families meet us publicly or even in our home.  The bonding that took place when mom was able to give her child dinner several times a week, or bathe them and put them to sleep was some of the most precious times as a foster mother.  

As with every avenue of child safety, we want the best outcome for all involved, but mostly the child.  We always need to work harder to advocate for all of the family.

Father's Day

 Certain holidays are bittersweet for so many in our community.  Parental holidays fall into this category.  We are going to explore what this day looks like from the perspective of several people.  

The Child: So many factors play into this.  Just know this.  These are the days the child might start to question, "How did I get into this family"?  "What caused me to be removed from my first family"?  They may want to search for them using social media.  ALL of this is normal.  Foster/adoptive parents, the number one key is to not take offense.  It can be very difficult to hear that your child is curious or may even feel like they miss birth relatives.  This does not diminish in any way their love for you.  It is the natural inclination of curiosity that is being felt and shown because the parent topic is being spotlighted.  The best way to have these conversations is to wonder right along with them.  Asking questions like, "How tall do you think your dad is"?  or "I wonder if you have his eyes"?  helps the child feel the connection that they share with them through DNA and traits.  Talking about the circumstances of their foster care journey or adoption should be an ongoing conversation.  With age appropriate language, the child should feel comfortable talking about his history and both celebrating family and mourning his loss.  Also, praying for first families allows a calm for the child because the realization happens that the God of the universe loves their first families way more than they do and that He is constantly pursuing them.  Allowing them to pray for them softens their hearts towards any bitterness that may creep up.  

Foster/Adoptive Parent: For foster families, do not let this day go to waste!  Encourage your foster child to make a card or craft if they are old enough.  Make one yourself using your child's fingerprint or handprint if they are younger.  I knew our foster son's father sang him a specific song every visit so I printed out the sheet music, framed it and had him put a paint handprint on the frame.  It is the little bonding things that encourage the relationship to stay stable even though time spent together is very limited.  If you are in the place where you can supervise visitation, set something up for dad to spend time with his child.  It doesn't need to be the whole day.  An hour at the park and going for ice cream would most likely mean the world to both people. If able and if cleared with the social worker, invite them to church.  Let them see where their child worships and let them see the Gospel in a new light. When we acknowledge the loss that is there and can help be part of the solution, beautiful stories are made.  

First Family: This day likely brings up such emotion.  No matter the reason you find yourself in this season, we see you. This doesn't just apply to biological mothers and fathers.  This also applies to grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends of the family, cousins, and so much more.  The child who has been adopted or is even in foster care lost so much more than parents.  They lost their world.  I never want to forget the extended family who are feeling the loss as well.  Not to mention, if they are experiencing this loss, then that may mean another loss of the child's parents as well.  Because the child cannot be with their parents, something is wrong.  It may be addiction, violence, or even death.  That means the extended family is mourning that as well.  So days like Father's Day can bring up heavy emotions for so many people.  

Father's Day is where we come together to celebrate all that encompasses being a father.  We are so grateful for you. Ultimately, we are to find our joy and peace in the very best father there is, the God that created our entire existence!  Happy Father's Day! 

Envisioning a Brighter Tomorrow: Hopeful Prospects for a Better Tomorrow

 Foster care is hard.  Adoption is hard. There is loss, there is grief, and if we choose to look away from that for our own convenience or to shelter ourselves means that we have missed the mark for these people.  It means missed opportunity to sit in the brokenness and find compassion, offer healing that only Jesus can bring.  

There are a lot of voices in the world who say there is no hope for kids in care or adopted people.  That the trauma that they have endured is so great that there is no escape from the pain of life filled with wounds and so anger and bitterness is the only path.  

Being a person who experienced loss at the early age of 2, then losing my mother at 13, I know loss.  I  understand pain.  Those allow me to feel deeply for those grieving, most likely more than the average person.  But the more pressing question, the question that should be burned into the hearts and minds of every Christian is, "What does the Bible say"?  

From Genesis to Revelation, God leads the broken.  Moses.  His mother, for his protection, abandoned him in a river, knowing that the Lord could protect and shelter him way more than she could.  He was brought in by Pharaoh's daughter and by what can only be seen as diving provision, was placed back into the loving arms of his mother.  He went on to make mistakes, but ultimately was responsible for leading God's people out of bondage. Esther.  Esther was adopted by her uncle after the death of her parents.  She grew in favor with everyone around her due to the confidence she found in her Lord.  Upon finding a devious plan to kill all Jewish people, Esther was able to uncover the horrendous plan and save God's people from destruction.  

The stories go on and on and give a clear picture of how the Lord can use, bless, and fill with hope, people who have lost their first families. I don't want to downplay the trauma that comes from care, or the many, many other life circumstances that can come along that cause pain beyond any human belief.  If you are so far gone in your grief, that you can't even think there is any hope in the journey, rest in this that is missing from the equation.  "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".  Psalms 34:18 Or consider this quote from Rick Warren: "Your greatest ministry will most likely come out of your greatest hurt".  Encouraging each other through the pains and trials of life is the only acceptable response.  How we inspire the broken speaks more than any knowledge we can possess.  

 

What does food insecurity look like and how can we combat its effects?  Unbelievably, when a child is faced with food scarcity or insecurity, even at the youngest of ages, it has the potential to have life long effects on both the nervous system and the brain.  Children will constantly be on the look out for food.  This may lead to stealing or hoarding of foods. You may find the child is up in the night taking items from the kitchen or you may find wrappers, or just food itself in strange places.  These are all normal behaviors for children who are in self preservation mode.  Yes, it may persist years later, even though an abundance has always  been offered.  Does age matter?  Yes, even infants who have experienced severe hunger have the potential to exhibit signs. 

Meal Planner Here!

How do we combat this?  There are several facets that need to be discussed.  First, is that shaming the child WILL NOT  change the behavior and WILL put a distrust in your relationship.  Behaviors that stem from self preservation should not be punished, but rooted out and replaced with better actions.  First, reaction is key.  Finding a bunch of wrappers, or noticing that a bunch of food is missing in the morning can be jarring.  Keeping an open and honest conversation going.  Talk about the importance of calories and how certain foods affect our bodies would be a great start.  Always having, within sight, fresh fruits and veggies that they are free to snack on whenever they want.  Creating a food menu for the week so that every meal is planned and known creates a bond of trust. The kids can help plan the meal by looking at recipes and sale ads and  can help you to plan accordingly.  We have a free resource to help you plan. It is a reproducible that you can fill out for each meal, keep it posted where the child can see, and plan ahead for the whole week.  It also stops over buying when you know what ingredients you will need for each meal.   Second, how do we root out and replace the negative behaviors when it comes to food?  Trust. As trust is built, the fight or flight part of the brain calms and although it may come in waves, knowing there will be food tomorrow is mentally stabilizing.  That although we are out of this particular food here, the store has plenty and we can restock.  Bringing the child to the store to show them that there is always a way to get more is also healing.  many times, children have not participated in grocery shopping so they don't understand how easy it is to bring more food home.  As always, having conversations centered around the topic the child is struggling with is always a proactive way to help heal.  

Children are a Blessing....Even When Having a Meltdown in Target

 I have to start this off with this....I am writing this to me.  There is a wonderful book titled, "No better mom for the job" by Becky Keife.  If you have not read it, I highly suggest it.  It was suggested to me after my son hurt his church mate over a toy, and I was at my wits end trying to navigate the world of special needs kids.  There are days on this parenting journey where you walk into the day with full confidence and assurance that you have finally mastered the art of mothering.  Now, I am not saying that happens often, but they do exist.  The other 364 days of the year can be filled with doubt, worry, anxiety, and angst, especially in today's world.  Our kids make mistakes.  Sometimes they are HUGE mistakes as this world pulls at them to follow it's path rather than the Lord's. As moms, we let that weigh into our own confidence and the roots begin to grow. 

Having special needs kids puts a whole new spin on our lives.  Things that we used to enjoy as a family, such as going out to dinner, having company over,  and social outings look very different now than in previous years. When we are invited to any function, so much thought goes into location (Will we be by a busy road? Is there unfenced water? How far can they run?) Social (How many people will be in attendance? Who is familiar to them? ) Emotional (Where can they regulate themselves? Who will put themselves out to engage with them?).  Our old lives were dictated by availability.  Our new lives are guided by laws we have set up for the safety and protection of all involved. 

I know we are not alone. The statistics of children coming from care and having some form of disability are staggering.  Whether it be educational, emotional, or physical, it is a prevalent theme for sure.  In fact, in our special needs children's church ministry, "All In", we have had 5 children who attend on a regular basis over the last 9 months and each one of them have been adopted through the foster care system.  That speaks volumes.

As with everything, how can I view this through a Biblical lens?  When every day feels like "Groundhog's Day" and the pattern of behaviors seems relentless, where is the Gospel? 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" Jeremiah 1:5.  We must first remember our children are the Lord's.  He created them, He alone has their future planned.  His love for them is unmatched and that means that we can rest in His goodness, not our futile planning.  

"They were bringing the children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them.  But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, Let the little children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God". Mark 10:13 I must be bringing them before the throne.  Quietly with the Lord and loudly so they hear, praying for and with our children is the best way to walk away from anxiety and fret that comes from the unknown.

 Lastly, "Children are a gift from the Lord." Psalm 127:3.  When we view our children as gifts, delights, wonders, (Yes, even in the midst of a meltdown in Target Mamas), we can change the way we see the situation. 

As we all have, I have had the most recent shooting in my head.  Mainly because we have a small Christian school where we worship that my daughter attended.  How many of those parents would do anything for a meltdown today?  Every day we have with our children, even the chaos filled ones, is a day that we can see them as a gift.  Let's hug our tantrum filled one minute, giggling the next,  little ones a little tighter tonight.  

     

When Hollywood Gets it Wrong

 When Hollywood Misses the Mark

        "She's not my sister.  She's a fugitive orphan".  

        Parent hitting child in the head, "Yes, she is your sister.  Now do what she says".

        The adopted child says she wants to search for her first family and is told she is

         ungrateful and that it will hurt the adoptive family deeply, but they will help.

        "Puss in Boots, The Last Wish", is Hollywood getting it wrong.  When you have roughly 135,000 children adopted in the United States every year, we should be moving towards a place where a movie that is geared towards children, would be more inclusive of children living in foster and adoptive homes.  "Goldilocks" should not have to feel guilt about the natural curiosity that comes from being raised away from her first family.

        The mark that Hollywood is missing is the first family loss. At different parts of an adoptees life, they will wonder, question, and think about their origins.  Think about this. 23 and Me, the DNA Registry created to track our blood line and countries of origin, made 272 million dollars just in 2022.  In 2023, I will be joining those numbers to find information on my own birth father.

        Scripture is filled with genealogy.  In fact, the New Testament opens with it.  Matthew connects the dots of Jesus to Abraham and to David pointing to his promised coming through both biblical figures.  Our culture, heritage and lineage have a deep impact on how we view ourselves and our life choices. However, most adopted children do not have that information.  

        So, we have the hard conversations with our kids and with each other.  In the end, Goldilock's adoptive family has her back, so there is a bit of redemption there, but the guilt trip laid on was out of bounds and as a society, we need to do better.  Let's pray for the kids in care who hear these harmful words and pray for those in Hollywood to be better informed about these young minds and hearts.

The irony?

Goldilock's key phrase in the movie?

"That was not just right"

Big Feelings? Little Feelings?

Big Feelings?  Little Feelings? Everything in Between?

                                                                            Free Download! 

          We call it a heart check.  How does your heart feel?  Is it racing or relaxed?  Look at your hands.  Are they shaking or still?  What about your stomach?  Do you feel butterflies or is it calm?  These are all good inward checks that we use to keep anxiety away, or be able to express it.  It could be first day jitters, or recital nerves, or maybe a fight with a friend or sibling.  

          One of our biggest tools is our heart check-in board. During self reflection, it is easier for children to see options and grade what they are feeling.  From there, you have a springboard to talk about why all of these big or little feelings are in your life.  Kids who have experienced loss may not know or understand how to process the trauma they have endured so just knowing that there is a struggle is the beginning of diving into the origins of the emotions.  

          The famous weeping of Jesus in John 11:35, and the anguish He felt in the garden in  Matthew 26, both show us that powerful feelings and emotions are not sinful. It is where we put them that shows our heart. Moses' social anxiety from his adoption left him feeling as an alien in both the Israelite and Egyptian circles.  Later, his loss came out as inferiority when the Lord asked him to go to Egypt and his response was, "Who am I that I should go?" Exodus 3:11, "I have never been eloquent." Exodus 4:10, and "Pardon your servant Lord, please send someone else." Exodus 4:13. I would be hard pressed to find any soul that has not endured some sort of this searing pain, whether it be from loss, or inflicted by another person, we all can pinpoint a time where the emotion was so strong that we we were sure we couldn't find our way out.  

          I am thankful that passages such as these show us the reality of life.  I love that the Lord didn't Instagram the Bible, letting us only see the beautiful parts while laundry is lurking behind every door.  He showed us the deepest flaws, the rawest emotions, and we find solace in that fact. When faced with the heaviness that life can throw, we see both Jesus and Moses having a conversation with the Lord.  It wasn't just blind faith. It was conversation.  It was prayer.  

           While using the tools we are given with our kids, the goal is to get them to seek the Lord.  When they are worried about their birth parents, they can pray.  When reunification is not certain, they can pray.  Maybe there is a big test in school, a friend hurt their heart, or they are just unsettled about life, they can pray. 

        Download this great tool for free and heart check your kids on a regular basis!  You will love the conversation it brings out!