Becoming a TBRI Practitioner has been one of the most eye opening, rewarding, and trauma informed trainings I have ever participated in.  It has unraveled my own childhood and revealed my parenting style.  TBRI has confirmed that what I do on a daily basis, from preparing meals to teaching my homeschooled children, is all stemmed from my own experience of being parented.  

My fear that I have for my children and their futures is all stemmed from the complete uncertainty that I felt as a child. 

Imagine.....you have no idea which adults will be there to provide the stability that you so greatly crave when you awake.  You have no idea who will be caring for you, or the siblings you care so deeply about.  It all comes down to you.  

Fear....lack of trust in ALL adults forms very quickly.  You find yourself parentified, blocking the trust you actually so greatly desire. It is almost a self fulfilling prophecy as you watch yourself reject the needs you want filled, but can't seem to allow yourself to be that vulnerable to let them be filled.  You quickly become known as 'self reliable", or "leadership material" when, in all actuality all that you want is for someone to make you hot cocoa and cut your sandwich into squareangles (which is what my 4 year old calls sandwiches cut into triangles and well.....he's not wrong.  

To the kids who seem like they have it "all together", take a bit of a deeper look.  While that might seem like a reliable marker on how well adjusted they are, it might just be that they are doing well at holding it together , and you may want to offer the hot cocoa and sandwich cut into triangles, and a hug wouldn't hurt as well.    

Father's Day

 Certain holidays are bittersweet for so many in our community.  Parental holidays fall into this category.  We are going to explore what this day looks like from the perspective of several people.  

The Child: So many factors play into this.  Just know this.  These are the days the child might start to question, "How did I get into this family"?  "What caused me to be removed from my first family"?  They may want to search for them using social media.  ALL of this is normal.  Foster/adoptive parents, the number one key is to not take offense.  It can be very difficult to hear that your child is curious or may even feel like they miss birth relatives.  This does not diminish in any way their love for you.  It is the natural inclination of curiosity that is being felt and shown because the parent topic is being spotlighted.  The best way to have these conversations is to wonder right along with them.  Asking questions like, "How tall do you think your dad is"?  or "I wonder if you have his eyes"?  helps the child feel the connection that they share with them through DNA and traits.  Talking about the circumstances of their foster care journey or adoption should be an ongoing conversation.  With age appropriate language, the child should feel comfortable talking about his history and both celebrating family and mourning his loss.  Also, praying for first families allows a calm for the child because the realization happens that the God of the universe loves their first families way more than they do and that He is constantly pursuing them.  Allowing them to pray for them softens their hearts towards any bitterness that may creep up.  

Foster/Adoptive Parent: For foster families, do not let this day go to waste!  Encourage your foster child to make a card or craft if they are old enough.  Make one yourself using your child's fingerprint or handprint if they are younger.  I knew our foster son's father sang him a specific song every visit so I printed out the sheet music, framed it and had him put a paint handprint on the frame.  It is the little bonding things that encourage the relationship to stay stable even though time spent together is very limited.  If you are in the place where you can supervise visitation, set something up for dad to spend time with his child.  It doesn't need to be the whole day.  An hour at the park and going for ice cream would most likely mean the world to both people. If able and if cleared with the social worker, invite them to church.  Let them see where their child worships and let them see the Gospel in a new light. When we acknowledge the loss that is there and can help be part of the solution, beautiful stories are made.  

First Family: This day likely brings up such emotion.  No matter the reason you find yourself in this season, we see you. This doesn't just apply to biological mothers and fathers.  This also applies to grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends of the family, cousins, and so much more.  The child who has been adopted or is even in foster care lost so much more than parents.  They lost their world.  I never want to forget the extended family who are feeling the loss as well.  Not to mention, if they are experiencing this loss, then that may mean another loss of the child's parents as well.  Because the child cannot be with their parents, something is wrong.  It may be addiction, violence, or even death.  That means the extended family is mourning that as well.  So days like Father's Day can bring up heavy emotions for so many people.  

Father's Day is where we come together to celebrate all that encompasses being a father.  We are so grateful for you. Ultimately, we are to find our joy and peace in the very best father there is, the God that created our entire existence!  Happy Father's Day! 

 

What does food insecurity look like and how can we combat its effects?  Unbelievably, when a child is faced with food scarcity or insecurity, even at the youngest of ages, it has the potential to have life long effects on both the nervous system and the brain.  Children will constantly be on the look out for food.  This may lead to stealing or hoarding of foods. You may find the child is up in the night taking items from the kitchen or you may find wrappers, or just food itself in strange places.  These are all normal behaviors for children who are in self preservation mode.  Yes, it may persist years later, even though an abundance has always  been offered.  Does age matter?  Yes, even infants who have experienced severe hunger have the potential to exhibit signs. 

Meal Planner Here!

How do we combat this?  There are several facets that need to be discussed.  First, is that shaming the child WILL NOT  change the behavior and WILL put a distrust in your relationship.  Behaviors that stem from self preservation should not be punished, but rooted out and replaced with better actions.  First, reaction is key.  Finding a bunch of wrappers, or noticing that a bunch of food is missing in the morning can be jarring.  Keeping an open and honest conversation going.  Talk about the importance of calories and how certain foods affect our bodies would be a great start.  Always having, within sight, fresh fruits and veggies that they are free to snack on whenever they want.  Creating a food menu for the week so that every meal is planned and known creates a bond of trust. The kids can help plan the meal by looking at recipes and sale ads and  can help you to plan accordingly.  We have a free resource to help you plan. It is a reproducible that you can fill out for each meal, keep it posted where the child can see, and plan ahead for the whole week.  It also stops over buying when you know what ingredients you will need for each meal.   Second, how do we root out and replace the negative behaviors when it comes to food?  Trust. As trust is built, the fight or flight part of the brain calms and although it may come in waves, knowing there will be food tomorrow is mentally stabilizing.  That although we are out of this particular food here, the store has plenty and we can restock.  Bringing the child to the store to show them that there is always a way to get more is also healing.  many times, children have not participated in grocery shopping so they don't understand how easy it is to bring more food home.  As always, having conversations centered around the topic the child is struggling with is always a proactive way to help heal.