Becoming a TBRI Practitioner has been one of the most eye opening, rewarding, and trauma informed trainings I have ever participated in.  It has unraveled my own childhood and revealed my parenting style.  TBRI has confirmed that what I do on a daily basis, from preparing meals to teaching my homeschooled children, is all stemmed from my own experience of being parented.  

My fear that I have for my children and their futures is all stemmed from the complete uncertainty that I felt as a child. 

Imagine.....you have no idea which adults will be there to provide the stability that you so greatly crave when you awake.  You have no idea who will be caring for you, or the siblings you care so deeply about.  It all comes down to you.  

Fear....lack of trust in ALL adults forms very quickly.  You find yourself parentified, blocking the trust you actually so greatly desire. It is almost a self fulfilling prophecy as you watch yourself reject the needs you want filled, but can't seem to allow yourself to be that vulnerable to let them be filled.  You quickly become known as 'self reliable", or "leadership material" when, in all actuality all that you want is for someone to make you hot cocoa and cut your sandwich into squareangles (which is what my 4 year old calls sandwiches cut into triangles and well.....he's not wrong.  

To the kids who seem like they have it "all together", take a bit of a deeper look.  While that might seem like a reliable marker on how well adjusted they are, it might just be that they are doing well at holding it together , and you may want to offer the hot cocoa and sandwich cut into triangles, and a hug wouldn't hurt as well.    

Father's Day

 Certain holidays are bittersweet for so many in our community.  Parental holidays fall into this category.  We are going to explore what this day looks like from the perspective of several people.  

The Child: So many factors play into this.  Just know this.  These are the days the child might start to question, "How did I get into this family"?  "What caused me to be removed from my first family"?  They may want to search for them using social media.  ALL of this is normal.  Foster/adoptive parents, the number one key is to not take offense.  It can be very difficult to hear that your child is curious or may even feel like they miss birth relatives.  This does not diminish in any way their love for you.  It is the natural inclination of curiosity that is being felt and shown because the parent topic is being spotlighted.  The best way to have these conversations is to wonder right along with them.  Asking questions like, "How tall do you think your dad is"?  or "I wonder if you have his eyes"?  helps the child feel the connection that they share with them through DNA and traits.  Talking about the circumstances of their foster care journey or adoption should be an ongoing conversation.  With age appropriate language, the child should feel comfortable talking about his history and both celebrating family and mourning his loss.  Also, praying for first families allows a calm for the child because the realization happens that the God of the universe loves their first families way more than they do and that He is constantly pursuing them.  Allowing them to pray for them softens their hearts towards any bitterness that may creep up.  

Foster/Adoptive Parent: For foster families, do not let this day go to waste!  Encourage your foster child to make a card or craft if they are old enough.  Make one yourself using your child's fingerprint or handprint if they are younger.  I knew our foster son's father sang him a specific song every visit so I printed out the sheet music, framed it and had him put a paint handprint on the frame.  It is the little bonding things that encourage the relationship to stay stable even though time spent together is very limited.  If you are in the place where you can supervise visitation, set something up for dad to spend time with his child.  It doesn't need to be the whole day.  An hour at the park and going for ice cream would most likely mean the world to both people. If able and if cleared with the social worker, invite them to church.  Let them see where their child worships and let them see the Gospel in a new light. When we acknowledge the loss that is there and can help be part of the solution, beautiful stories are made.  

First Family: This day likely brings up such emotion.  No matter the reason you find yourself in this season, we see you. This doesn't just apply to biological mothers and fathers.  This also applies to grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends of the family, cousins, and so much more.  The child who has been adopted or is even in foster care lost so much more than parents.  They lost their world.  I never want to forget the extended family who are feeling the loss as well.  Not to mention, if they are experiencing this loss, then that may mean another loss of the child's parents as well.  Because the child cannot be with their parents, something is wrong.  It may be addiction, violence, or even death.  That means the extended family is mourning that as well.  So days like Father's Day can bring up heavy emotions for so many people.  

Father's Day is where we come together to celebrate all that encompasses being a father.  We are so grateful for you. Ultimately, we are to find our joy and peace in the very best father there is, the God that created our entire existence!  Happy Father's Day! 

Envisioning a Brighter Tomorrow: Hopeful Prospects for a Better Tomorrow

 Foster care is hard.  Adoption is hard. There is loss, there is grief, and if we choose to look away from that for our own convenience or to shelter ourselves means that we have missed the mark for these people.  It means missed opportunity to sit in the brokenness and find compassion, offer healing that only Jesus can bring.  

There are a lot of voices in the world who say there is no hope for kids in care or adopted people.  That the trauma that they have endured is so great that there is no escape from the pain of life filled with wounds and so anger and bitterness is the only path.  

Being a person who experienced loss at the early age of 2, then losing my mother at 13, I know loss.  I  understand pain.  Those allow me to feel deeply for those grieving, most likely more than the average person.  But the more pressing question, the question that should be burned into the hearts and minds of every Christian is, "What does the Bible say"?  

From Genesis to Revelation, God leads the broken.  Moses.  His mother, for his protection, abandoned him in a river, knowing that the Lord could protect and shelter him way more than she could.  He was brought in by Pharaoh's daughter and by what can only be seen as diving provision, was placed back into the loving arms of his mother.  He went on to make mistakes, but ultimately was responsible for leading God's people out of bondage. Esther.  Esther was adopted by her uncle after the death of her parents.  She grew in favor with everyone around her due to the confidence she found in her Lord.  Upon finding a devious plan to kill all Jewish people, Esther was able to uncover the horrendous plan and save God's people from destruction.  

The stories go on and on and give a clear picture of how the Lord can use, bless, and fill with hope, people who have lost their first families. I don't want to downplay the trauma that comes from care, or the many, many other life circumstances that can come along that cause pain beyond any human belief.  If you are so far gone in your grief, that you can't even think there is any hope in the journey, rest in this that is missing from the equation.  "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".  Psalms 34:18 Or consider this quote from Rick Warren: "Your greatest ministry will most likely come out of your greatest hurt".  Encouraging each other through the pains and trials of life is the only acceptable response.  How we inspire the broken speaks more than any knowledge we can possess.  

 

What does food insecurity look like and how can we combat its effects?  Unbelievably, when a child is faced with food scarcity or insecurity, even at the youngest of ages, it has the potential to have life long effects on both the nervous system and the brain.  Children will constantly be on the look out for food.  This may lead to stealing or hoarding of foods. You may find the child is up in the night taking items from the kitchen or you may find wrappers, or just food itself in strange places.  These are all normal behaviors for children who are in self preservation mode.  Yes, it may persist years later, even though an abundance has always  been offered.  Does age matter?  Yes, even infants who have experienced severe hunger have the potential to exhibit signs. 

Meal Planner Here!

How do we combat this?  There are several facets that need to be discussed.  First, is that shaming the child WILL NOT  change the behavior and WILL put a distrust in your relationship.  Behaviors that stem from self preservation should not be punished, but rooted out and replaced with better actions.  First, reaction is key.  Finding a bunch of wrappers, or noticing that a bunch of food is missing in the morning can be jarring.  Keeping an open and honest conversation going.  Talk about the importance of calories and how certain foods affect our bodies would be a great start.  Always having, within sight, fresh fruits and veggies that they are free to snack on whenever they want.  Creating a food menu for the week so that every meal is planned and known creates a bond of trust. The kids can help plan the meal by looking at recipes and sale ads and  can help you to plan accordingly.  We have a free resource to help you plan. It is a reproducible that you can fill out for each meal, keep it posted where the child can see, and plan ahead for the whole week.  It also stops over buying when you know what ingredients you will need for each meal.   Second, how do we root out and replace the negative behaviors when it comes to food?  Trust. As trust is built, the fight or flight part of the brain calms and although it may come in waves, knowing there will be food tomorrow is mentally stabilizing.  That although we are out of this particular food here, the store has plenty and we can restock.  Bringing the child to the store to show them that there is always a way to get more is also healing.  many times, children have not participated in grocery shopping so they don't understand how easy it is to bring more food home.  As always, having conversations centered around the topic the child is struggling with is always a proactive way to help heal.  

Children are a Blessing....Even When Having a Meltdown in Target

 I have to start this off with this....I am writing this to me.  There is a wonderful book titled, "No better mom for the job" by Becky Keife.  If you have not read it, I highly suggest it.  It was suggested to me after my son hurt his church mate over a toy, and I was at my wits end trying to navigate the world of special needs kids.  There are days on this parenting journey where you walk into the day with full confidence and assurance that you have finally mastered the art of mothering.  Now, I am not saying that happens often, but they do exist.  The other 364 days of the year can be filled with doubt, worry, anxiety, and angst, especially in today's world.  Our kids make mistakes.  Sometimes they are HUGE mistakes as this world pulls at them to follow it's path rather than the Lord's. As moms, we let that weigh into our own confidence and the roots begin to grow. 

Having special needs kids puts a whole new spin on our lives.  Things that we used to enjoy as a family, such as going out to dinner, having company over,  and social outings look very different now than in previous years. When we are invited to any function, so much thought goes into location (Will we be by a busy road? Is there unfenced water? How far can they run?) Social (How many people will be in attendance? Who is familiar to them? ) Emotional (Where can they regulate themselves? Who will put themselves out to engage with them?).  Our old lives were dictated by availability.  Our new lives are guided by laws we have set up for the safety and protection of all involved. 

I know we are not alone. The statistics of children coming from care and having some form of disability are staggering.  Whether it be educational, emotional, or physical, it is a prevalent theme for sure.  In fact, in our special needs children's church ministry, "All In", we have had 5 children who attend on a regular basis over the last 9 months and each one of them have been adopted through the foster care system.  That speaks volumes.

As with everything, how can I view this through a Biblical lens?  When every day feels like "Groundhog's Day" and the pattern of behaviors seems relentless, where is the Gospel? 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" Jeremiah 1:5.  We must first remember our children are the Lord's.  He created them, He alone has their future planned.  His love for them is unmatched and that means that we can rest in His goodness, not our futile planning.  

"They were bringing the children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them.  But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, Let the little children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God". Mark 10:13 I must be bringing them before the throne.  Quietly with the Lord and loudly so they hear, praying for and with our children is the best way to walk away from anxiety and fret that comes from the unknown.

 Lastly, "Children are a gift from the Lord." Psalm 127:3.  When we view our children as gifts, delights, wonders, (Yes, even in the midst of a meltdown in Target Mamas), we can change the way we see the situation. 

As we all have, I have had the most recent shooting in my head.  Mainly because we have a small Christian school where we worship that my daughter attended.  How many of those parents would do anything for a meltdown today?  Every day we have with our children, even the chaos filled ones, is a day that we can see them as a gift.  Let's hug our tantrum filled one minute, giggling the next,  little ones a little tighter tonight.  

     

When Hollywood Gets it Wrong

 When Hollywood Misses the Mark

        "She's not my sister.  She's a fugitive orphan".  

        Parent hitting child in the head, "Yes, she is your sister.  Now do what she says".

        The adopted child says she wants to search for her first family and is told she is

         ungrateful and that it will hurt the adoptive family deeply, but they will help.

        "Puss in Boots, The Last Wish", is Hollywood getting it wrong.  When you have roughly 135,000 children adopted in the United States every year, we should be moving towards a place where a movie that is geared towards children, would be more inclusive of children living in foster and adoptive homes.  "Goldilocks" should not have to feel guilt about the natural curiosity that comes from being raised away from her first family.

        The mark that Hollywood is missing is the first family loss. At different parts of an adoptees life, they will wonder, question, and think about their origins.  Think about this. 23 and Me, the DNA Registry created to track our blood line and countries of origin, made 272 million dollars just in 2022.  In 2023, I will be joining those numbers to find information on my own birth father.

        Scripture is filled with genealogy.  In fact, the New Testament opens with it.  Matthew connects the dots of Jesus to Abraham and to David pointing to his promised coming through both biblical figures.  Our culture, heritage and lineage have a deep impact on how we view ourselves and our life choices. However, most adopted children do not have that information.  

        So, we have the hard conversations with our kids and with each other.  In the end, Goldilock's adoptive family has her back, so there is a bit of redemption there, but the guilt trip laid on was out of bounds and as a society, we need to do better.  Let's pray for the kids in care who hear these harmful words and pray for those in Hollywood to be better informed about these young minds and hearts.

The irony?

Goldilock's key phrase in the movie?

"That was not just right"

Big Feelings? Little Feelings?

Big Feelings?  Little Feelings? Everything in Between?

                                                                            Free Download! 

          We call it a heart check.  How does your heart feel?  Is it racing or relaxed?  Look at your hands.  Are they shaking or still?  What about your stomach?  Do you feel butterflies or is it calm?  These are all good inward checks that we use to keep anxiety away, or be able to express it.  It could be first day jitters, or recital nerves, or maybe a fight with a friend or sibling.  

          One of our biggest tools is our heart check-in board. During self reflection, it is easier for children to see options and grade what they are feeling.  From there, you have a springboard to talk about why all of these big or little feelings are in your life.  Kids who have experienced loss may not know or understand how to process the trauma they have endured so just knowing that there is a struggle is the beginning of diving into the origins of the emotions.  

          The famous weeping of Jesus in John 11:35, and the anguish He felt in the garden in  Matthew 26, both show us that powerful feelings and emotions are not sinful. It is where we put them that shows our heart. Moses' social anxiety from his adoption left him feeling as an alien in both the Israelite and Egyptian circles.  Later, his loss came out as inferiority when the Lord asked him to go to Egypt and his response was, "Who am I that I should go?" Exodus 3:11, "I have never been eloquent." Exodus 4:10, and "Pardon your servant Lord, please send someone else." Exodus 4:13. I would be hard pressed to find any soul that has not endured some sort of this searing pain, whether it be from loss, or inflicted by another person, we all can pinpoint a time where the emotion was so strong that we we were sure we couldn't find our way out.  

          I am thankful that passages such as these show us the reality of life.  I love that the Lord didn't Instagram the Bible, letting us only see the beautiful parts while laundry is lurking behind every door.  He showed us the deepest flaws, the rawest emotions, and we find solace in that fact. When faced with the heaviness that life can throw, we see both Jesus and Moses having a conversation with the Lord.  It wasn't just blind faith. It was conversation.  It was prayer.  

           While using the tools we are given with our kids, the goal is to get them to seek the Lord.  When they are worried about their birth parents, they can pray.  When reunification is not certain, they can pray.  Maybe there is a big test in school, a friend hurt their heart, or they are just unsettled about life, they can pray. 

        Download this great tool for free and heart check your kids on a regular basis!  You will love the conversation it brings out! 

     

 

Merry Christmas!

      Merry Christmas!  We know that even at this time of year, your family dynamic could be changing.  We know the phone still rings with calls from the home finding unit through the whole holiday season, and as disheartening as that is, we thank you for opening your home, even now.  

     Last year, according to The Family Preservation Foundation, 437,283 children were removed from their first families.  That increases the number of of over 9 million children being removed in the last 20 years.  That is astounding.  

     We have seen families take in children on Christmas Eve, and our own daughter was placed with us on Easter Eve, several years ago. The way the community comes together during these times is such an encouragement!  We had a friend who went out that day and bought us a car seat. Having only hours to prepare to take in a child, especially during a holiday, adds a whole lot to an already messy situation.  However, there is a grace that the Lord extends in the chaos.  

     This season, as we look and see foster and adoptive families around us, let's find a way to be a blessing to them.  That might mean a perfectly timed card of encouragement, offering to make a meal, babysitting so the parents can Christmas shop, or just a listening ear.  There are so many ways to support our families, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.   

     Finally, as we have children in our home who have lost their first families, either permanently, or for the time being, let's look at Jesus in the manger.  He was born for His last day, and on that day, the phrase He uttered, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me"? Matthew 27:46 shows great loss. That day, rather than on us, God poured his wrath on Jesus, who bore our judgement.  The agony that He endured can almost be felt as the words leap off the page. Jesus understands loss, He endured loss and the wonderful truth as we celebrate this Christmas season, is that He did it for us.  He is the Romans 6:23 free gift of God of eternal life.  This tiny baby, that so humbly came to earth in a dirty stable, surrounded by animals as he breathed his first breath, is the reason that we can bring hope and healing to whoever the Lord brings into our homes.  

     As always, we are praying for you and want to wish you a very blessed Christmas season!

     

It's Just Pie

    Dough, filling, maybe some sugar, and you have a pie.  It's a staple during the holiday season.  So many cultures and families are steeped heavily in tradition and that includes food.  Think about your favorite holiday songs growing up. We heard "Chestnuts on an open fire, figgy pudding, later we'll have some pumpkin pie, marshmallows for toasting". Stories that include milk and cookies, and a great roast beast being stolen as well. Even food networks have cookie bake offs during the holiday season.  It's everywhere. 

    Now apply that to a child in care.  All of the traditions that we keep and hold so dear, they have that too.  They may have even grown up in a completely different culture where Christmas is foreign to them.  We have to be super sleuths when it comes to navigating the water during this time of year.  

    Add to that, the smell of turkey roasting, pies cooking, and everyone in celebration mode may make the child feel distant.  It may make them feel like they shouldn't participate out of reverence for his first family or they may just not know HOW to do a Holiday.  Do I sit at the kid's table? Am I talking too much or maybe not enough? There sure are a lot of strangers here. It can be overwhelming.

    It is so important to include as much culture as you can about the child who is staying with you.  Fun ways to do this would be researching recipes together and let them help as much as possible with buying and then cooking the food.  Look for ways to incorporate things they may see as loss.  Find out if there were holiday traditions and maybe let that be a bonding time with mother and child.  Let her get jammies for the night before,  or let her know that you will make sure that they get the hot cocoa and popcorn that they expect every year.  There are so many ways to use this time to strengthen their relationship as well as yours.  It is disarming to hear that a foster family is trying to honor the traditions that the child brings to the table.  

    As always, be mindful of comments made during large family gatherings.  Hearing, "How are her real parents doing" and "I knew they couldn't pull it together" can be very damaging for a child.  Try explaining ahead of time that you will not be discussing the case and if needed, that can be talked about on a different day. It is much better to cut that off well before the big day when it can lead to awkward situations.

    As you enjoy this beautiful season, all of Foster Blessings thanks you for doing the work.  We thank you for putting yourself last and the child first.  We thank you for hearing the loss and celebrating the victory.  You are making an impact every day that you are praying, loving, guiding, and teaching.  Have a wonderful start to the holiday season.

    

  

     

 

 

How to Ensure a Successful "Yes"

What does a typical "yes" look like in your home?  Are there steps can we take to make the transition easier for everyone?  Absolutely! 

Step 1) Know your base

     Whether you are single, a married couple, or a couple with children, it's imperative that you know yourself, your limits, and those of your people.  A healthy acceptance of children into the home will always start with a prayerful meeting of the core group.  Check to see if you have room in your schedules for everything the child may require such as doctors, school meetings, homework, clothing upkeep, etc.  It may be tempting to just say yes and let everyone know of the change later.  That is a recipe for disaster.  There have been times that someone in our home was not comfortable with a placement, even short term ones.  One time, my daughter was redecorating her room and wanted all of my attention to help her.  She asked that we say no to a weekend respite child.  It happens. The home finding unit understands.  They know that even though you signed up for this, you also signed up for your own life as well.  You don't want to sacrifice the base to help another child.  Some suggestions would be to have a meeting with everyone in the home, assuring that everyone is on the same page.  Another would be to have a one on one with the person with whom the new child will share the room.  They may feel pressured by the crowd to say yes and feel guilty about not wanting to share a room.  Our rule of thumb is that everyone has to be fully on board.

Step 2)  Be prepared for a short term placement to be a long term placement

    As the home finding unit get calls to place children, they only have a small handful of information.  What they hear is the biological mother telling them, with all certainty, that the child can go live with her cousin who lives two towns over, only to find out that the cousin wants nothing to do with the situation.  Perhaps a grandmother comes forward as a resource, but it is shown that her housing is not up to code.  The finders may go into a situation looking like they may have a perfectly suitable option, and the family says they don't want all of the issues of dealing with the state.  So, when you say yes to a weekend placement, or a temporary one while a family member is being vetted, expect things to take a turn and become long term.  If you cannot handle another long term placement at that time, you may want to reconsider, based on the child's age, as to prevent yet another loss.  

Step 3) Readying the home

    Imagine coming home from a stressful day at work, and the house is a mess, the children are screaming, and all you want to do is hide under a blanket.  Walking into chaos is not ideal for anyone, but especially children coming into care.  Having the home tidied, smelling nice (but not strong), animals put away, children calmed, can do wonders to a child who is in a high state of anxiety.  It is the parent's job to set the tone of the home, even more so during critical times.  If rooms ned to be rearranged, try having it done well ahead of time.  Have a welcome basket with needed hygiene and personal items in the room. Several towels and a robe if you know the child's size would be a great addition.  For older children, a peg board for pictures of their friends (especially if they have had to switch school districts), or for pictures of their first family for them to display.  You can even ask who everyone is, helping to engage conversation. 

Step 4)  Do not bombard

    Having been a teen that walked through that strangers door, I can tell you, DO NOT BOMBARD! Casual, light conversation is great.  Using the time to familiarize the child with things they will need to know are so important.  Even if your home is smaller, showing them the layout is a wonderful icebreaker.  you can tell funny stories about each room to relax the both of you. You are completely comfortable in your home.  The new child is not.  You know exactly how to get a glass of water, or if the juice is yours to drink, or if the fruit on the table is off limits.  Remember, making the child feel less like a guest is the key.  Squatting down to a younger child, or looking an older child in the eye is disarming.  Using non judge mental soothing tones goes a long way.  If the child is having difficulties transitioning, sometimes getting them to open up by asking questions helps.  "So, do you have a favorite kind of juice?  Can I show you how to use our television?  Do you have any allergies? What is your favorite meal?  Do you want to help me shop for it and cook it"? Even though you may know the answers to some of these, it helps to ground the child in the here and now and gets them out of their own head.  Answer as many questions as you can without revealing anything about the case.  Some examples are:

Q: "Do you know where my mom is"? 

A: "You know, I don't, I only know about you right now.  Does your mom have a best friend?  I bet she is with her right now and her friend is giving her a hug.  I know this is really hard for you and her.  Do you want some time alone or would you like to talk some more"?  

Q: "Why can't I be with my family"? 

A:  "Right now, you have a lot of people looking out for you.  You have so many people who love you and want to do what is right for you and that includes your family!  A whole bunch of people are working things out to make sure you stay safe and really, we don't know what that will look like for a little bit.  We are here to see you and hear what you are feeling about this. 

Q: "When can I go home"?

A: "Right now, that's not certain.  The one thing I can promise is that I will keep you as up to date as I can.  I promise to be honest with you and you can always come to me with your big feelings and heart worries! 

    If you feel the tone of the voice, it is reassuring, yet honest.  Kids are smart.  Most know when they are being treated as just a "gullible kid".  They need real, honest answers presented in a way that is going to reassure their hearts. 

    Whether you are a first time foster parent, or have been at this for years, each child is different.  Every first day is just as unique.  Just know, you are doing the hard work, the tireless work and so often, the thankless work.  We thank you for jumping in and holding their hearts.  It creates beautiful outcomes.