Children are a Blessing....Even When Having a Meltdown in Target

 I have to start this off with this....I am writing this to me.  There is a wonderful book titled, "No better mom for the job" by Becky Keife.  If you have not read it, I highly suggest it.  It was suggested to me after my son hurt his church mate over a toy, and I was at my wits end trying to navigate the world of special needs kids.  There are days on this parenting journey where you walk into the day with full confidence and assurance that you have finally mastered the art of mothering.  Now, I am not saying that happens often, but they do exist.  The other 364 days of the year can be filled with doubt, worry, anxiety, and angst, especially in today's world.  Our kids make mistakes.  Sometimes they are HUGE mistakes as this world pulls at them to follow it's path rather than the Lord's. As moms, we let that weigh into our own confidence and the roots begin to grow. 

Having special needs kids puts a whole new spin on our lives.  Things that we used to enjoy as a family, such as going out to dinner, having company over,  and social outings look very different now than in previous years. When we are invited to any function, so much thought goes into location (Will we be by a busy road? Is there unfenced water? How far can they run?) Social (How many people will be in attendance? Who is familiar to them? ) Emotional (Where can they regulate themselves? Who will put themselves out to engage with them?).  Our old lives were dictated by availability.  Our new lives are guided by laws we have set up for the safety and protection of all involved. 

I know we are not alone. The statistics of children coming from care and having some form of disability are staggering.  Whether it be educational, emotional, or physical, it is a prevalent theme for sure.  In fact, in our special needs children's church ministry, "All In", we have had 5 children who attend on a regular basis over the last 9 months and each one of them have been adopted through the foster care system.  That speaks volumes.

As with everything, how can I view this through a Biblical lens?  When every day feels like "Groundhog's Day" and the pattern of behaviors seems relentless, where is the Gospel? 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" Jeremiah 1:5.  We must first remember our children are the Lord's.  He created them, He alone has their future planned.  His love for them is unmatched and that means that we can rest in His goodness, not our futile planning.  

"They were bringing the children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them.  But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, Let the little children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God". Mark 10:13 I must be bringing them before the throne.  Quietly with the Lord and loudly so they hear, praying for and with our children is the best way to walk away from anxiety and fret that comes from the unknown.

 Lastly, "Children are a gift from the Lord." Psalm 127:3.  When we view our children as gifts, delights, wonders, (Yes, even in the midst of a meltdown in Target Mamas), we can change the way we see the situation. 

As we all have, I have had the most recent shooting in my head.  Mainly because we have a small Christian school where we worship that my daughter attended.  How many of those parents would do anything for a meltdown today?  Every day we have with our children, even the chaos filled ones, is a day that we can see them as a gift.  Let's hug our tantrum filled one minute, giggling the next,  little ones a little tighter tonight.  

     

When Hollywood Gets it Wrong

 When Hollywood Misses the Mark

        "She's not my sister.  She's a fugitive orphan".  

        Parent hitting child in the head, "Yes, she is your sister.  Now do what she says".

        The adopted child says she wants to search for her first family and is told she is

         ungrateful and that it will hurt the adoptive family deeply, but they will help.

        "Puss in Boots, The Last Wish", is Hollywood getting it wrong.  When you have roughly 135,000 children adopted in the United States every year, we should be moving towards a place where a movie that is geared towards children, would be more inclusive of children living in foster and adoptive homes.  "Goldilocks" should not have to feel guilt about the natural curiosity that comes from being raised away from her first family.

        The mark that Hollywood is missing is the first family loss. At different parts of an adoptees life, they will wonder, question, and think about their origins.  Think about this. 23 and Me, the DNA Registry created to track our blood line and countries of origin, made 272 million dollars just in 2022.  In 2023, I will be joining those numbers to find information on my own birth father.

        Scripture is filled with genealogy.  In fact, the New Testament opens with it.  Matthew connects the dots of Jesus to Abraham and to David pointing to his promised coming through both biblical figures.  Our culture, heritage and lineage have a deep impact on how we view ourselves and our life choices. However, most adopted children do not have that information.  

        So, we have the hard conversations with our kids and with each other.  In the end, Goldilock's adoptive family has her back, so there is a bit of redemption there, but the guilt trip laid on was out of bounds and as a society, we need to do better.  Let's pray for the kids in care who hear these harmful words and pray for those in Hollywood to be better informed about these young minds and hearts.

The irony?

Goldilock's key phrase in the movie?

"That was not just right"

Big Feelings? Little Feelings?

Big Feelings?  Little Feelings? Everything in Between?

                                                                            Free Download! 

          We call it a heart check.  How does your heart feel?  Is it racing or relaxed?  Look at your hands.  Are they shaking or still?  What about your stomach?  Do you feel butterflies or is it calm?  These are all good inward checks that we use to keep anxiety away, or be able to express it.  It could be first day jitters, or recital nerves, or maybe a fight with a friend or sibling.  

          One of our biggest tools is our heart check-in board. During self reflection, it is easier for children to see options and grade what they are feeling.  From there, you have a springboard to talk about why all of these big or little feelings are in your life.  Kids who have experienced loss may not know or understand how to process the trauma they have endured so just knowing that there is a struggle is the beginning of diving into the origins of the emotions.  

          The famous weeping of Jesus in John 11:35, and the anguish He felt in the garden in  Matthew 26, both show us that powerful feelings and emotions are not sinful. It is where we put them that shows our heart. Moses' social anxiety from his adoption left him feeling as an alien in both the Israelite and Egyptian circles.  Later, his loss came out as inferiority when the Lord asked him to go to Egypt and his response was, "Who am I that I should go?" Exodus 3:11, "I have never been eloquent." Exodus 4:10, and "Pardon your servant Lord, please send someone else." Exodus 4:13. I would be hard pressed to find any soul that has not endured some sort of this searing pain, whether it be from loss, or inflicted by another person, we all can pinpoint a time where the emotion was so strong that we we were sure we couldn't find our way out.  

          I am thankful that passages such as these show us the reality of life.  I love that the Lord didn't Instagram the Bible, letting us only see the beautiful parts while laundry is lurking behind every door.  He showed us the deepest flaws, the rawest emotions, and we find solace in that fact. When faced with the heaviness that life can throw, we see both Jesus and Moses having a conversation with the Lord.  It wasn't just blind faith. It was conversation.  It was prayer.  

           While using the tools we are given with our kids, the goal is to get them to seek the Lord.  When they are worried about their birth parents, they can pray.  When reunification is not certain, they can pray.  Maybe there is a big test in school, a friend hurt their heart, or they are just unsettled about life, they can pray. 

        Download this great tool for free and heart check your kids on a regular basis!  You will love the conversation it brings out! 

     

 

Merry Christmas!

      Merry Christmas!  We know that even at this time of year, your family dynamic could be changing.  We know the phone still rings with calls from the home finding unit through the whole holiday season, and as disheartening as that is, we thank you for opening your home, even now.  

     Last year, according to The Family Preservation Foundation, 437,283 children were removed from their first families.  That increases the number of of over 9 million children being removed in the last 20 years.  That is astounding.  

     We have seen families take in children on Christmas Eve, and our own daughter was placed with us on Easter Eve, several years ago. The way the community comes together during these times is such an encouragement!  We had a friend who went out that day and bought us a car seat. Having only hours to prepare to take in a child, especially during a holiday, adds a whole lot to an already messy situation.  However, there is a grace that the Lord extends in the chaos.  

     This season, as we look and see foster and adoptive families around us, let's find a way to be a blessing to them.  That might mean a perfectly timed card of encouragement, offering to make a meal, babysitting so the parents can Christmas shop, or just a listening ear.  There are so many ways to support our families, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.   

     Finally, as we have children in our home who have lost their first families, either permanently, or for the time being, let's look at Jesus in the manger.  He was born for His last day, and on that day, the phrase He uttered, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me"? Matthew 27:46 shows great loss. That day, rather than on us, God poured his wrath on Jesus, who bore our judgement.  The agony that He endured can almost be felt as the words leap off the page. Jesus understands loss, He endured loss and the wonderful truth as we celebrate this Christmas season, is that He did it for us.  He is the Romans 6:23 free gift of God of eternal life.  This tiny baby, that so humbly came to earth in a dirty stable, surrounded by animals as he breathed his first breath, is the reason that we can bring hope and healing to whoever the Lord brings into our homes.  

     As always, we are praying for you and want to wish you a very blessed Christmas season!

     

 

    How do you find the message of the Gospel in one of the messiest situations you can find yourself in?  The same Gospel that preaches joy and peace, can it also cover the chaos that follows everyone involved in the "system"?  Can it reach that child who is in a beautiful new room tonight, with all new toys, clean bedding, and a soft rug for her feet, yet is crying herself to sleep because her loss was so great today.  Can it reach the teenager whose parent just overdosed and his grandfather just because his new father?  The scenarios present themselves differently in every family represented in care, but it all has the same outcome.  Sorrow. So how do we line up a Bible that instructs us to have joy in all things with a system that creates sorrow?  

    "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding". Proverbs 3:5 It's an easy verse to memorize, it's one of the hardest to live out.  We are so tempted to grab the reigns, yank the situation back into our hands and struggle with it until we hand it over to the Lord again and again.  The only hope and comfort that we can find when the hardest of life hits, is the fact that the Lord doesn't sleep.  He doesn't slumber. Nothing is ever a surprise.  We think so much with our finite minds that we can't even begin to grasp the power of His name, the marvelous things He has created just by speaking them into existence.  The same God of the universe is the same God who knew there would be a knock on the door today of the child being removed.  He knew that the phone would ring dear foster parent. He also knew that the child that you held so dearly for the last two years, will be reunited with his first family tomorrow, despite the fact that you are the only parent he has known. Even in the victory, there is grief because your new permanency leaves a mother, father, first family with deep loss.  

    "It is the Lord that goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed" Deuteronomy 31:8.  This verse is one of the most encouraging texts when it comes to the uncertainty of permanency.  On the days that court makes a decision that you believe is harmful for the child, or will cause her even more loss than already experienced, the reveling that takes place in the knowledge that the Lord loves that child so much more than you ever can brings great comfort. During the times you may not be able to provide the comfort and needs of your foster child any longer, you can be before the throne of God, praying for them, praying for their family, and find grace in the moment to let yourself grieve.  The Lord will be before you and beside you as you process the loss. 

  "You have turned my mourning into dancing" Psalm 30:11. Don't stay there.  Feel the grief, but don't stay there.  Allow the Lord to do what only He can do, and that is take the hardest of days or the most beautiful of moments, and grow you.  Let this season of uncertainty increase your faith as you learn to lean on Him.  The Gospel shows up in foster care through the beauty of selflessness, sacrifice, and love for the people around us.  That includes birth parents, case workers, judges, and everyone else that the Lord brings into your world.  Foster care is never just about the children.  It is so much deeper and richer than that.