How to Ensure a Successful "Yes"

What does a typical "yes" look like in your home?  Are there steps can we take to make the transition easier for everyone?  Absolutely! 

Step 1) Know your base

     Whether you are single, a married couple, or a couple with children, it's imperative that you know yourself, your limits, and those of your people.  A healthy acceptance of children into the home will always start with a prayerful meeting of the core group.  Check to see if you have room in your schedules for everything the child may require such as doctors, school meetings, homework, clothing upkeep, etc.  It may be tempting to just say yes and let everyone know of the change later.  That is a recipe for disaster.  There have been times that someone in our home was not comfortable with a placement, even short term ones.  One time, my daughter was redecorating her room and wanted all of my attention to help her.  She asked that we say no to a weekend respite child.  It happens. The home finding unit understands.  They know that even though you signed up for this, you also signed up for your own life as well.  You don't want to sacrifice the base to help another child.  Some suggestions would be to have a meeting with everyone in the home, assuring that everyone is on the same page.  Another would be to have a one on one with the person with whom the new child will share the room.  They may feel pressured by the crowd to say yes and feel guilty about not wanting to share a room.  Our rule of thumb is that everyone has to be fully on board.

Step 2)  Be prepared for a short term placement to be a long term placement

    As the home finding unit get calls to place children, they only have a small handful of information.  What they hear is the biological mother telling them, with all certainty, that the child can go live with her cousin who lives two towns over, only to find out that the cousin wants nothing to do with the situation.  Perhaps a grandmother comes forward as a resource, but it is shown that her housing is not up to code.  The finders may go into a situation looking like they may have a perfectly suitable option, and the family says they don't want all of the issues of dealing with the state.  So, when you say yes to a weekend placement, or a temporary one while a family member is being vetted, expect things to take a turn and become long term.  If you cannot handle another long term placement at that time, you may want to reconsider, based on the child's age, as to prevent yet another loss.  

Step 3) Readying the home

    Imagine coming home from a stressful day at work, and the house is a mess, the children are screaming, and all you want to do is hide under a blanket.  Walking into chaos is not ideal for anyone, but especially children coming into care.  Having the home tidied, smelling nice (but not strong), animals put away, children calmed, can do wonders to a child who is in a high state of anxiety.  It is the parent's job to set the tone of the home, even more so during critical times.  If rooms ned to be rearranged, try having it done well ahead of time.  Have a welcome basket with needed hygiene and personal items in the room. Several towels and a robe if you know the child's size would be a great addition.  For older children, a peg board for pictures of their friends (especially if they have had to switch school districts), or for pictures of their first family for them to display.  You can even ask who everyone is, helping to engage conversation. 

Step 4)  Do not bombard

    Having been a teen that walked through that strangers door, I can tell you, DO NOT BOMBARD! Casual, light conversation is great.  Using the time to familiarize the child with things they will need to know are so important.  Even if your home is smaller, showing them the layout is a wonderful icebreaker.  you can tell funny stories about each room to relax the both of you. You are completely comfortable in your home.  The new child is not.  You know exactly how to get a glass of water, or if the juice is yours to drink, or if the fruit on the table is off limits.  Remember, making the child feel less like a guest is the key.  Squatting down to a younger child, or looking an older child in the eye is disarming.  Using non judge mental soothing tones goes a long way.  If the child is having difficulties transitioning, sometimes getting them to open up by asking questions helps.  "So, do you have a favorite kind of juice?  Can I show you how to use our television?  Do you have any allergies? What is your favorite meal?  Do you want to help me shop for it and cook it"? Even though you may know the answers to some of these, it helps to ground the child in the here and now and gets them out of their own head.  Answer as many questions as you can without revealing anything about the case.  Some examples are:

Q: "Do you know where my mom is"? 

A: "You know, I don't, I only know about you right now.  Does your mom have a best friend?  I bet she is with her right now and her friend is giving her a hug.  I know this is really hard for you and her.  Do you want some time alone or would you like to talk some more"?  

Q: "Why can't I be with my family"? 

A:  "Right now, you have a lot of people looking out for you.  You have so many people who love you and want to do what is right for you and that includes your family!  A whole bunch of people are working things out to make sure you stay safe and really, we don't know what that will look like for a little bit.  We are here to see you and hear what you are feeling about this. 

Q: "When can I go home"?

A: "Right now, that's not certain.  The one thing I can promise is that I will keep you as up to date as I can.  I promise to be honest with you and you can always come to me with your big feelings and heart worries! 

    If you feel the tone of the voice, it is reassuring, yet honest.  Kids are smart.  Most know when they are being treated as just a "gullible kid".  They need real, honest answers presented in a way that is going to reassure their hearts. 

    Whether you are a first time foster parent, or have been at this for years, each child is different.  Every first day is just as unique.  Just know, you are doing the hard work, the tireless work and so often, the thankless work.  We thank you for jumping in and holding their hearts.  It creates beautiful outcomes.