When Hollywood Gets it Wrong

 When Hollywood Misses the Mark

        "She's not my sister.  She's a fugitive orphan".  

        Parent hitting child in the head, "Yes, she is your sister.  Now do what she says".

        The adopted child says she wants to search for her first family and is told she is

         ungrateful and that it will hurt the adoptive family deeply, but they will help.

        "Puss in Boots, The Last Wish", is Hollywood getting it wrong.  When you have roughly 135,000 children adopted in the United States every year, we should be moving towards a place where a movie that is geared towards children, would be more inclusive of children living in foster and adoptive homes.  "Goldilocks" should not have to feel guilt about the natural curiosity that comes from being raised away from her first family.

        The mark that Hollywood is missing is the first family loss. At different parts of an adoptees life, they will wonder, question, and think about their origins.  Think about this. 23 and Me, the DNA Registry created to track our blood line and countries of origin, made 272 million dollars just in 2022.  In 2023, I will be joining those numbers to find information on my own birth father.

        Scripture is filled with genealogy.  In fact, the New Testament opens with it.  Matthew connects the dots of Jesus to Abraham and to David pointing to his promised coming through both biblical figures.  Our culture, heritage and lineage have a deep impact on how we view ourselves and our life choices. However, most adopted children do not have that information.  

        So, we have the hard conversations with our kids and with each other.  In the end, Goldilock's adoptive family has her back, so there is a bit of redemption there, but the guilt trip laid on was out of bounds and as a society, we need to do better.  Let's pray for the kids in care who hear these harmful words and pray for those in Hollywood to be better informed about these young minds and hearts.

The irony?

Goldilock's key phrase in the movie?

"That was not just right"

Big Feelings? Little Feelings?

Big Feelings?  Little Feelings? Everything in Between?

                                                                            Free Download! 

          We call it a heart check.  How does your heart feel?  Is it racing or relaxed?  Look at your hands.  Are they shaking or still?  What about your stomach?  Do you feel butterflies or is it calm?  These are all good inward checks that we use to keep anxiety away, or be able to express it.  It could be first day jitters, or recital nerves, or maybe a fight with a friend or sibling.  

          One of our biggest tools is our heart check-in board. During self reflection, it is easier for children to see options and grade what they are feeling.  From there, you have a springboard to talk about why all of these big or little feelings are in your life.  Kids who have experienced loss may not know or understand how to process the trauma they have endured so just knowing that there is a struggle is the beginning of diving into the origins of the emotions.  

          The famous weeping of Jesus in John 11:35, and the anguish He felt in the garden in  Matthew 26, both show us that powerful feelings and emotions are not sinful. It is where we put them that shows our heart. Moses' social anxiety from his adoption left him feeling as an alien in both the Israelite and Egyptian circles.  Later, his loss came out as inferiority when the Lord asked him to go to Egypt and his response was, "Who am I that I should go?" Exodus 3:11, "I have never been eloquent." Exodus 4:10, and "Pardon your servant Lord, please send someone else." Exodus 4:13. I would be hard pressed to find any soul that has not endured some sort of this searing pain, whether it be from loss, or inflicted by another person, we all can pinpoint a time where the emotion was so strong that we we were sure we couldn't find our way out.  

          I am thankful that passages such as these show us the reality of life.  I love that the Lord didn't Instagram the Bible, letting us only see the beautiful parts while laundry is lurking behind every door.  He showed us the deepest flaws, the rawest emotions, and we find solace in that fact. When faced with the heaviness that life can throw, we see both Jesus and Moses having a conversation with the Lord.  It wasn't just blind faith. It was conversation.  It was prayer.  

           While using the tools we are given with our kids, the goal is to get them to seek the Lord.  When they are worried about their birth parents, they can pray.  When reunification is not certain, they can pray.  Maybe there is a big test in school, a friend hurt their heart, or they are just unsettled about life, they can pray. 

        Download this great tool for free and heart check your kids on a regular basis!  You will love the conversation it brings out! 

     

 

Merry Christmas!

      Merry Christmas!  We know that even at this time of year, your family dynamic could be changing.  We know the phone still rings with calls from the home finding unit through the whole holiday season, and as disheartening as that is, we thank you for opening your home, even now.  

     Last year, according to The Family Preservation Foundation, 437,283 children were removed from their first families.  That increases the number of of over 9 million children being removed in the last 20 years.  That is astounding.  

     We have seen families take in children on Christmas Eve, and our own daughter was placed with us on Easter Eve, several years ago. The way the community comes together during these times is such an encouragement!  We had a friend who went out that day and bought us a car seat. Having only hours to prepare to take in a child, especially during a holiday, adds a whole lot to an already messy situation.  However, there is a grace that the Lord extends in the chaos.  

     This season, as we look and see foster and adoptive families around us, let's find a way to be a blessing to them.  That might mean a perfectly timed card of encouragement, offering to make a meal, babysitting so the parents can Christmas shop, or just a listening ear.  There are so many ways to support our families, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.   

     Finally, as we have children in our home who have lost their first families, either permanently, or for the time being, let's look at Jesus in the manger.  He was born for His last day, and on that day, the phrase He uttered, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me"? Matthew 27:46 shows great loss. That day, rather than on us, God poured his wrath on Jesus, who bore our judgement.  The agony that He endured can almost be felt as the words leap off the page. Jesus understands loss, He endured loss and the wonderful truth as we celebrate this Christmas season, is that He did it for us.  He is the Romans 6:23 free gift of God of eternal life.  This tiny baby, that so humbly came to earth in a dirty stable, surrounded by animals as he breathed his first breath, is the reason that we can bring hope and healing to whoever the Lord brings into our homes.  

     As always, we are praying for you and want to wish you a very blessed Christmas season!

     

It's Just Pie

    Dough, filling, maybe some sugar, and you have a pie.  It's a staple during the holiday season.  So many cultures and families are steeped heavily in tradition and that includes food.  Think about your favorite holiday songs growing up. We heard "Chestnuts on an open fire, figgy pudding, later we'll have some pumpkin pie, marshmallows for toasting". Stories that include milk and cookies, and a great roast beast being stolen as well. Even food networks have cookie bake offs during the holiday season.  It's everywhere. 

    Now apply that to a child in care.  All of the traditions that we keep and hold so dear, they have that too.  They may have even grown up in a completely different culture where Christmas is foreign to them.  We have to be super sleuths when it comes to navigating the water during this time of year.  

    Add to that, the smell of turkey roasting, pies cooking, and everyone in celebration mode may make the child feel distant.  It may make them feel like they shouldn't participate out of reverence for his first family or they may just not know HOW to do a Holiday.  Do I sit at the kid's table? Am I talking too much or maybe not enough? There sure are a lot of strangers here. It can be overwhelming.

    It is so important to include as much culture as you can about the child who is staying with you.  Fun ways to do this would be researching recipes together and let them help as much as possible with buying and then cooking the food.  Look for ways to incorporate things they may see as loss.  Find out if there were holiday traditions and maybe let that be a bonding time with mother and child.  Let her get jammies for the night before,  or let her know that you will make sure that they get the hot cocoa and popcorn that they expect every year.  There are so many ways to use this time to strengthen their relationship as well as yours.  It is disarming to hear that a foster family is trying to honor the traditions that the child brings to the table.  

    As always, be mindful of comments made during large family gatherings.  Hearing, "How are her real parents doing" and "I knew they couldn't pull it together" can be very damaging for a child.  Try explaining ahead of time that you will not be discussing the case and if needed, that can be talked about on a different day. It is much better to cut that off well before the big day when it can lead to awkward situations.

    As you enjoy this beautiful season, all of Foster Blessings thanks you for doing the work.  We thank you for putting yourself last and the child first.  We thank you for hearing the loss and celebrating the victory.  You are making an impact every day that you are praying, loving, guiding, and teaching.  Have a wonderful start to the holiday season.

    

  

     

 

 

How to Ensure a Successful "Yes"

What does a typical "yes" look like in your home?  Are there steps can we take to make the transition easier for everyone?  Absolutely! 

Step 1) Know your base

     Whether you are single, a married couple, or a couple with children, it's imperative that you know yourself, your limits, and those of your people.  A healthy acceptance of children into the home will always start with a prayerful meeting of the core group.  Check to see if you have room in your schedules for everything the child may require such as doctors, school meetings, homework, clothing upkeep, etc.  It may be tempting to just say yes and let everyone know of the change later.  That is a recipe for disaster.  There have been times that someone in our home was not comfortable with a placement, even short term ones.  One time, my daughter was redecorating her room and wanted all of my attention to help her.  She asked that we say no to a weekend respite child.  It happens. The home finding unit understands.  They know that even though you signed up for this, you also signed up for your own life as well.  You don't want to sacrifice the base to help another child.  Some suggestions would be to have a meeting with everyone in the home, assuring that everyone is on the same page.  Another would be to have a one on one with the person with whom the new child will share the room.  They may feel pressured by the crowd to say yes and feel guilty about not wanting to share a room.  Our rule of thumb is that everyone has to be fully on board.

Step 2)  Be prepared for a short term placement to be a long term placement

    As the home finding unit get calls to place children, they only have a small handful of information.  What they hear is the biological mother telling them, with all certainty, that the child can go live with her cousin who lives two towns over, only to find out that the cousin wants nothing to do with the situation.  Perhaps a grandmother comes forward as a resource, but it is shown that her housing is not up to code.  The finders may go into a situation looking like they may have a perfectly suitable option, and the family says they don't want all of the issues of dealing with the state.  So, when you say yes to a weekend placement, or a temporary one while a family member is being vetted, expect things to take a turn and become long term.  If you cannot handle another long term placement at that time, you may want to reconsider, based on the child's age, as to prevent yet another loss.  

Step 3) Readying the home

    Imagine coming home from a stressful day at work, and the house is a mess, the children are screaming, and all you want to do is hide under a blanket.  Walking into chaos is not ideal for anyone, but especially children coming into care.  Having the home tidied, smelling nice (but not strong), animals put away, children calmed, can do wonders to a child who is in a high state of anxiety.  It is the parent's job to set the tone of the home, even more so during critical times.  If rooms ned to be rearranged, try having it done well ahead of time.  Have a welcome basket with needed hygiene and personal items in the room. Several towels and a robe if you know the child's size would be a great addition.  For older children, a peg board for pictures of their friends (especially if they have had to switch school districts), or for pictures of their first family for them to display.  You can even ask who everyone is, helping to engage conversation. 

Step 4)  Do not bombard

    Having been a teen that walked through that strangers door, I can tell you, DO NOT BOMBARD! Casual, light conversation is great.  Using the time to familiarize the child with things they will need to know are so important.  Even if your home is smaller, showing them the layout is a wonderful icebreaker.  you can tell funny stories about each room to relax the both of you. You are completely comfortable in your home.  The new child is not.  You know exactly how to get a glass of water, or if the juice is yours to drink, or if the fruit on the table is off limits.  Remember, making the child feel less like a guest is the key.  Squatting down to a younger child, or looking an older child in the eye is disarming.  Using non judge mental soothing tones goes a long way.  If the child is having difficulties transitioning, sometimes getting them to open up by asking questions helps.  "So, do you have a favorite kind of juice?  Can I show you how to use our television?  Do you have any allergies? What is your favorite meal?  Do you want to help me shop for it and cook it"? Even though you may know the answers to some of these, it helps to ground the child in the here and now and gets them out of their own head.  Answer as many questions as you can without revealing anything about the case.  Some examples are:

Q: "Do you know where my mom is"? 

A: "You know, I don't, I only know about you right now.  Does your mom have a best friend?  I bet she is with her right now and her friend is giving her a hug.  I know this is really hard for you and her.  Do you want some time alone or would you like to talk some more"?  

Q: "Why can't I be with my family"? 

A:  "Right now, you have a lot of people looking out for you.  You have so many people who love you and want to do what is right for you and that includes your family!  A whole bunch of people are working things out to make sure you stay safe and really, we don't know what that will look like for a little bit.  We are here to see you and hear what you are feeling about this. 

Q: "When can I go home"?

A: "Right now, that's not certain.  The one thing I can promise is that I will keep you as up to date as I can.  I promise to be honest with you and you can always come to me with your big feelings and heart worries! 

    If you feel the tone of the voice, it is reassuring, yet honest.  Kids are smart.  Most know when they are being treated as just a "gullible kid".  They need real, honest answers presented in a way that is going to reassure their hearts. 

    Whether you are a first time foster parent, or have been at this for years, each child is different.  Every first day is just as unique.  Just know, you are doing the hard work, the tireless work and so often, the thankless work.  We thank you for jumping in and holding their hearts.  It creates beautiful outcomes.      

 

    How do you find the message of the Gospel in one of the messiest situations you can find yourself in?  The same Gospel that preaches joy and peace, can it also cover the chaos that follows everyone involved in the "system"?  Can it reach that child who is in a beautiful new room tonight, with all new toys, clean bedding, and a soft rug for her feet, yet is crying herself to sleep because her loss was so great today.  Can it reach the teenager whose parent just overdosed and his grandfather just because his new father?  The scenarios present themselves differently in every family represented in care, but it all has the same outcome.  Sorrow. So how do we line up a Bible that instructs us to have joy in all things with a system that creates sorrow?  

    "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding". Proverbs 3:5 It's an easy verse to memorize, it's one of the hardest to live out.  We are so tempted to grab the reigns, yank the situation back into our hands and struggle with it until we hand it over to the Lord again and again.  The only hope and comfort that we can find when the hardest of life hits, is the fact that the Lord doesn't sleep.  He doesn't slumber. Nothing is ever a surprise.  We think so much with our finite minds that we can't even begin to grasp the power of His name, the marvelous things He has created just by speaking them into existence.  The same God of the universe is the same God who knew there would be a knock on the door today of the child being removed.  He knew that the phone would ring dear foster parent. He also knew that the child that you held so dearly for the last two years, will be reunited with his first family tomorrow, despite the fact that you are the only parent he has known. Even in the victory, there is grief because your new permanency leaves a mother, father, first family with deep loss.  

    "It is the Lord that goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed" Deuteronomy 31:8.  This verse is one of the most encouraging texts when it comes to the uncertainty of permanency.  On the days that court makes a decision that you believe is harmful for the child, or will cause her even more loss than already experienced, the reveling that takes place in the knowledge that the Lord loves that child so much more than you ever can brings great comfort. During the times you may not be able to provide the comfort and needs of your foster child any longer, you can be before the throne of God, praying for them, praying for their family, and find grace in the moment to let yourself grieve.  The Lord will be before you and beside you as you process the loss. 

  "You have turned my mourning into dancing" Psalm 30:11. Don't stay there.  Feel the grief, but don't stay there.  Allow the Lord to do what only He can do, and that is take the hardest of days or the most beautiful of moments, and grow you.  Let this season of uncertainty increase your faith as you learn to lean on Him.  The Gospel shows up in foster care through the beauty of selflessness, sacrifice, and love for the people around us.  That includes birth parents, case workers, judges, and everyone else that the Lord brings into your world.  Foster care is never just about the children.  It is so much deeper and richer than that.    

    

    

    

    

Types of Foster Families

There are many places that a child who has been removed from their biological home may find themselves.  There is a team of people within Family Services aptly named, "The Home Finding Unit".  These are avenues and terms they will utilize. These all fall under the foster care umbrella.                               

Resource Parent (RP)-This is anyone being considered to provide care for a child coming into care, or a child who is already in care. This can be someone who comes forward and wishes to take responsibility, or it can be someone who is recommended by the birth parent.  If approved, and then vetted, the RP then takes specialized kinship classes or regular foster care classes while they have the child in their home. 

Kinship Care-Since The Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008 and then being reinforced by the Obama Administration, almost all homefinding units within Family Services have a team of people dedicated to finding someone known to the child(ren) coming into care.  This is important for a variety of reasons. 

• Lesser trauma being experienced by the child as the new home/family is familiar to him/her

• Allowed interaction with extended family and/or birth parents as kinship families can supervise visitation

• Stronger initial connection to the child and the case itself

• More support for the kinship family through programs such as, "Caring for our own"

Foster Care-Straight foster care is needed when there is not an appropriate RP available.  Foster parents must pass background, health and home checks.  Once approved and training classes are over, they will start receiving calls to have children placed in the home.  A RP can still be acquired, and will be actively sought out during the child's placement. 

Guardianship/Custody-While kinship and foster care are handled through Family Services, guardianship and custody are handled by the courts. The petitioner is granted authority over the child as the temporary or permanent parent.